I can't breathe

Fuck! I always forget about that one goddamn floorboard. Please don't wake up please don't wake up please don't wake up. The latch on the front door always clicks so loudly. One more turn of the handle of the I'm out of this crumby house. Shit.

Sky, go back to bed. No, I promise this time I'll come back. I always do, don't I? Don't tell Mum or Dad will ya kid? Go back to sleep.

Sky shuffles back into Charlies room. She always sleeps there when he's away in Hollywood. James and I always used to make fun of her for that. that was before James left. He's probably skiing with Alsatians right now.

God this fucking elevator is taking forever. Come on. Lobby please. Yes, thank you.

When I leave the elevator I'm about to walk out of the building but I see someone. He's standing there, six feet tall in tight jeans that only accentuate the fact this his legs make him look like an anorexic twelve year old girl. I realise that I'm staring, he motions for me to come over. In this light he kind of looks like James. He starts talking to me but I'm not listening. I feel like I'm starting to freak him out, just staring at him like this. He's clearly a prostitute and I think he just realised I'm in no state to be interested, and I'm also not gay. He's losing interest. Bye James!

I leave the lobby as quick as I can. i know he's not following me but I feel like running. The throbbing in my head matches the pounding on the pavement. I run. I'm running for as long and as fast as I can. No one can see me. No one can hear me. I'm immortal, invincible! It reminds me of when I was with James. James. He's probably out in the Sahara growing cacti. The pounding slows down but the throbbing doesn't. Goddamn. I feel it increase. My head hurts ad the cold wind isn't numbing me pain. I'm alone. I was always alone. I see a 'XXX' store up ahead. 

No thank you I'm just browsing. The large woman behind the counter is staring to me. I know I have a couple of hundred dollars in my wallet but I don't feel like buying anything. She's scaring me. There's so much clutter in the store I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. I see a row of handguns on display behind the counter. I'm dizzy. Maybe I shouldn't have run for so long. Her glare is menacing and manipulating. I cant breathe. I feel the need to buy something and then get then hell out of there.

Its cold and windy again. Even the old homeless man trying to sleep is scared of me. He gives up his bench by the lake for me to sit on. Thanks. The gun is heavy in my hands. I feel sick holding it. It was secondhand and, oh god, is that some dried blood on the handle? I'm staring at the gun so intently I'm sure I could draw every detail of it. I study it and wonder how many people held this gun before me. How many people had it killed? What difference would one more body make? Would it hurt? I heard that a bullet to the head is far less painful than overdosing on sleeping pills. James would know. He was in the army before he went sailing around the world on his yacht. You know, I'm sure if James was here he would volunteer to pull the trigger for me. That's just the kind of friend James is... was. Always looking out for others. James and I haven't been in touch recently. Things just happen, people grow apart and realise that the other person would be better off without them. So, in order to spare the other person pain, the cease to exist. Though, surprisingly, although I'm sure he meant well, having the person you love disappear completely off the face of the earth hurts a lot more than knowing that they prefer the company of another to your exclusive attention.  You're always left with these goddamn questions that no one has the answer for. He left me alone. He's probably supporting rebel leaders in North Korea now.

His hair was long and greasy, always hanging in his face. I could hardly ever see his eyes, so I imagined them to be a dark green. I ignored the fact that they were really blue. Green suited James better.

The gun weighs surprisingly heavier than my thoughts. I cant concentrate. The midnight quacking of the ducks are so goddamn irritating. Who would miss me? I can feel my cheeks stinging cold from the wind and my legs are getting cramped. I'm staring at the ducks The lake hasn't frozen over yet and reflects the black of the sky. The ducks are sitting there on the sheet of water. Only moving when the wind pushes them. My life would be so goddamn easy if I were a duck. The gun drops from my hands onto the grass. I'm getting colder. The wind hist me on my chest and icy shards are shoved into my thighs. I leave my clothes in a pile, next to the bench, and next to the gun. The water looks so solid, I'm sure I could stand on it. The ducks are watching me, I know they want me to succeed. I'm cleansing myself. The water rises up to my waist, then my chest. I can hardly  breathe. I lie on my back, floating, staring up at the black sky, studded with stars. I form an angel with my arms and legs, the kind you used to do in the snow as a kid. The ducks come closer to me. They form a barrier around me from all the hate and corruption n the world. I feel weightless and free. I can glide through life forever, Just like a duck.

More of My Boyfriends

This is like, the rest of my list of sexy, sexy boyfriends. They just love me so much and are such dreamboats, sometimes I don't even think it's real.

Boyfriend #6 - Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joe is really sweet and sexy and we can totally relate on more than just a physical level you know? I mean, we both just love cannelloni. Like we just sit around all day eating cannelloni and having sex, like all the time. He is just a complete dream. He smells like coconut and desire. Sometimes he takes me to have rough, aggressive sex in his own apartment. How grown up is that? Right? Right?!

Boyfriend #7 - Ash Stymest

Ash and I are both so compatible. We're both super sexy and attractive and we're both models. Except for the fact that he actually is or whatevs. He always gets me front row at NYFW cause he knows that I make all the other models like, super jealous. He's actually already a father to a fucking skank of a bitch, but I know he'll leave me for her. Obvs.

Boyfriend #8 -  Marlon Brando

Marlon is just a dream guy. He's actually the sexiest person alive. We once did anal and he used butter as lube #safeandsavvy. Marlon's arms are honestly the second most attractive part of him. His voice is so sexy. Sometimes I just lie on his stomach and listen to him breathe while he gently rubs my tits #truelove.

Boyfriend #9 - Seth Cohen

Seth is really the dreamiest out of all my boyfriends. We can just sit there for hours playing strip-video games. He always smells like cinnamon and bagels and he is just so neurotic and awkward and sexy. He is like so smart and completely gets me, you know? Like, we are just so perfect together we finish each others sentences, 

"Did you see the new-"

"movie?"

"... no, the new Umbrella Academy comic."

"That is so what I was about to say!"

Boyfriend #10 - Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo is my one and only boyfriend (but not really). We're getting married soon. Y'all can come I guess, now that you know about it. He smells like sex, and not the sleazy type that just stinks like crusty cum, but really sexy sex. You know? No? Okay, He's so perfect. He picks me up in his helicopter from school and buys me Miu Miu and lingerie.

I'm so much more depressed than you

I went out for dinner with Cassie and Stella the other night. You have just gotta love the self pitying girlie gossip right? We took it in turns to discuss why we were more depressed than each other. Girls night out! 

Okay so I'm like so depressed

My parents don't love me

The waitress comes over with our non-alcoholic drinks, lemon lime and bitters! (I added the '!' cause that sentence just wasn't lame enough)

Well, my parents don't trust me

Yeah but at least they love you

Oops I spilt my drink

The boys that I like either doesn't like me back or are celebrities that don't know I exist, and the boys that do like me are disgusting.

I'm too scared to go out on a date with someone that I actually like, relatively

The boy that I like already has a girlfriend and she looks like shes so much fucking fun

We're fun

To us we are, to everyone else were bitches and satanic witches

Yeah the whole Mulgrave group did think I was a witch

Yeah, maybe you should stop wearing that pentagram

...

...

I'm really depressed

I just don't know why he doesn't love me but he should because I love him and I want-  *incoherent babbling*

My getting over him in one day plan lasted- well it didnt work in a day, lets just say that

My life sucks because the guy that I like could possibly gay and is oblivious to the fact that I like him

Yeah but you can fix that!

I can... but I'm still depressed

You have no reason to be

But I'm always depressed

Oh my god they have cannaloni here?

Fuck. Why didn't we get that?

Okay so what kind of guy do we like?

Um, big noses

Yes

Yes

You like weird looking guys

Shut up

I like them skinny but not too skinny, they cant look like my thirteen year old brother

I like good, toned boys

I'm a big fan of the arms

Agreed

Is that my ring?

...no

That's my toe ring

... ew have you worn it?

silence because we're laughing so hard

See, we're fun

So we're fun because she wore your toe ring?

...

Can I just say? Speaking from the great amount of experience that I have, Louis' not that good in bed.

I know. I could have told you that. Deal or No Deal doesn't go for very long.

Our pizza finally arrives and we sit, eating and staring at the hot waiter, looking like a pathetic rip off of a scene from Daria.

Are you going to class today?

I seem to be taking school less and less seriously. It kind of seems optional, rather than something that is enforced by a school-skipping-officer or whatever they're called, from New York Minute. I have been skipping class so frequently that its become blase whenever I get caught. 

"Ugh, Courtney? Again?"

My maths teacher seems unpleasantly surprised on the off occasion that I do actually turn up to class, I mean, the only reason I go is because I totally need to pass maths to do the uni course I want to do. Otherwise you so know that I would be with all the other burnouts smoking behind the oval.

I kind of stopped handing in my English essays because my teacher knows I'm a reasonably competent writer. I think I attend less school now than I did in Year 9. Year 9 was my rebellious-and-becoming-fat-year. Now my life is a becoming fat year. Fat isn't at all becoming on me...lolz. Most girls at school, when they don't feel like going to class go to see Charmaine. Charmaine is the fat school counselor. I wouldn't see her for serious problems because I think she gossips about us to other teachers #biatch. We once made up this big elaborate story in order to get out of class (either maths or Japanese probz), and we went crying to Charmaine. We told her abut how our friend had been hanging out with this new boyfriend and she drinks on school nights and her boyfriend introduced her to his friend 'Mary-Jane' (my life has turned into the friends fake life). We thought we were so fucking clever until Charmaine said she was going to call our parents to let them know. Then we freaked out and never saw her again. Oh Charmaine.

Ghost World

I'm not going to have any more feelings. They are so overrated. I hate it when people act too 'human'. Its disgusting. No one really gets what I mean when I say that. I mean when they express human qualities, you know? I hate it when people express emotions. That's why I hate Facebook so much. I mean, obvs I'm not the first one to say this, but people are so narcissistic and self indulgent and self constructed it makes me feel sick. Ugh. I hate it when people express basically anything other that boredom. I'm just going to become Enid from Ghost World. Its not like I can say that I don't care about what other people think cause I cah-learly do. I think I've become emotionless. Like that Good Charlotte song. No? Okay... I'm just writing this while I wait for Midnight in Paris to load. I'm so fucking bored all the fucking time and I honestly hate people. Maybe I just have this state of mind cause I just watched Ghost World. Everything makes me sick. Ew. Ew. Ew. I can pretend not to care but I so do. Whatevs. 

Um, so I have holidays in like a couple of days. Yays.

I'm not a slut or anything

I would like to use this time introduce all my current boyfriends. Um, I'm not a slut or anything so you totally cannot judge me okay? I just can't be tamed. Deal with it. They all love me so much and like, I need to make up a timetable as to who I spend my time with, because you know, I can't be having favorites now can I? That just would so not be fair.

Boyfriend #1 - James Franco

 So James is really nice. He even lets me call him Jamie sometimes. He come over and he brings weed cause he like, always does it cause he used to be a drug dealer and now hes like this way successful actor thing. I don't really know, mainly we just make out and stuff. His hair is really nice and always smells of oranges. He doesn't really shower much but I don't care. He's really sweet and skinny and cute. He thinks he can like be an artist or whatever now. Whatever. I like to let him have his fun, you know?

Boyfriend #2 - Louis Garrell

Did I mention that Louis is French? Yeah, well he is. I don't really know what he's saying half the time cause of his accent but pretend to cause it makes him happy. His nose is really big and he's really cute. This one time, when I was super sad about being fat #always, he made me pancakes and even though I hate pancakes I ate them cause they were French and tasted so much better obvs. We're going to move to Paris soon and I'll wear black all the time, and smoke French cigarettes and stay skinny, even though I gorge myself on pastries, and Louis will love me forever.

Boyfriend #3 - James Dean

Some people judge us when they see us out in public. But you know what? Love has no bounds. Yeah so what he might dead. Does that matter? No. Okay? No. You have no right to judge us. Jimmy's so sweet even though he's got that super sexy rough exterior of a troubled rebel. He takes me out on his motorbike and we just like, go through the city, yelling at squares for being so lame. For kicks he just sits around smoking and looking really brooding and troubled and angsty. He's so amazing and he looks so young #foreverinmymindcausehe'sdead:(

Boyfriend #4 - Marky Mark

He really likes it when I call him Marky Mark. He lets me feel his muscles and in return I watch him perform dance routines to Good Vibrations. Out of all my boyfriends he's the most muscly which is weird cause I normally like 'em scrawny and weird with nice arms. He has the whole confident "I'm a douche who can beat you up did I mention I was really into drugs?" thing going on #hot. Sometimes, we bring out the rubber penis from Boogie Nights and incorporate it, shhh.

Boyfriend #5 - Woody Allen

Woody is just perfect. He's so neurotic and smart and funny and sexy. I don't want to have favorites out of all my boyfriends, but Woody's definitely looking the sexiest at the moment (I'm being deadly serious). He talks to me about death and sex. I'm his muse for his writing and film ideas. We sit around being pseudo intellectuals and sometimes he even lets me have sex with him.

To be continued...
later when I can be bothered writing more.

Who needs to be emotionally stable when you're pretty and smart?

The most perfect couple of all time ever, apart from Seth and Summer

I really want to be in a relationship where everything is just so easy and glamorous and aloof and calm and skinny and sweet and clean and messy. Is that too much to ask? Why couldn't I be a part of the Depp/Moss relationship. I'm sure they wouldn't have minded if I tagged along, casually third-wheeling, occasionally watching them have sex. You know, sweet and cute things. Boys are so stupid. I just wish they would follow the script in my head. No one ever does and then I realise, maybe that's why I hate everyone.

Louis came back from wherever the hell bogans go nowadays. He hasn't said anything to me yet so I'm going to assume he's dead. I really honestly don't care about him. He's probably out there f*cking some bogan, whatevs.

I can't tell if Adam likes me or not. He's really weird and awkward and completely lacks social skills. Maybe I should just take my top off next time I see him. I think he would just be really confused.

"So should I take my top off as well? Um did you want me to try the top on or?"

I basically just told him that he needs to get over his girlfriend. Then I freaked out and apologised. He still hasn't responded #iwanttocurlupintoaballanddie.

Being completely surrounded by other hormonal girls just really consumes me in all the pretty girl problems of being forever alone and pathetic and single and horny. I'm skipping maths again and I'm in the library. Our conversation turns to Marky Mark, obvs.

"He would have so f*cked me back then. Like in the 90's. He so would have, he was so f*cked up on drugs. Everyone did drugs in the 90's. Look at Eminem.", Leila says.

Issy's doing her legal homework but then gets distracted when we start discussing whether we would rather be attractive, smart or emotionally stable. Everyone says attractive and smart. Who needs to be emotionally stable when you're pretty and smart? You can get away with so much more shit.

"Yeah, shes crazy, but, shes hot.", says my future boyfriend, Ash Stymest.

That's because they cant afford cologne

As much as we all want to kick school to the side like it has herpes, and as much as I don't want to admit it, I actually really like school. Although you wouldn't think it from all of the countless 'sick' days that I take off, 

"I just really need some me time." - my entire life is 'me time'.

School is actually okay. There. I said it. Well, my school is at least, apart from the fact that it looks like a small nursing home. My school is this tiny private girls school where we all pretend not to judge public school kids, 

"they don't expect me to pay for their meth addiction through tax later in life do they?" 

or 

"oh my god, don't make eye contact, they might try talking to us." 

or 

"ew it stinks on this bus."  

"that's because they cant afford cologne."

but really, we do, because lets face it were so much better than them because we have super cute uniforms. #elitism.

You walk into school, there are teachers at the gate doing uniform checks, you, always the natural rebel, are wearing your sports uniform #unflatteringlesbianoutfit. You have to walk around to the back gate. Ew, little children. You make it into school without getting another detention for the numerous laws broken; nail polish, make-up, short skirt, ripped stockings, breathing, hair out, earrings, life. You dump your bag in the locker and sit with everyone else on the balcony. Then obvs you attend (sometimes) classes. At lunch, if its super hot you all lie on each other in a pathetic attempt to tan, or if its cold you break into a classroom and watch Teen Mom.

I think I might be somewhere in the middle... but I really cant be sure.

The amount of shit that we do at school is ridiculous. Alexia once hid under the table for half a class and the teacher didn't notice for the entire period, even after Alexia had crawled out of the classroom. That teacher was a bitch anyway. There are these houses next door, behind the school and we thought it would be a great idea if we went in their children's cubby house to smoke weed *we were just stupid and that thing about weed was a lie. Basically what happened was that my friend Casey, climbed the fence, was in their garden and then the owner of the house came out and saw this creepy girl in her garden. She threatened to call the school but Casey just said she dropped an earring #everygirlsexcuseforanythingthatorigotmyperiod. So that's school.

Human beings are irresistibly easy to control

This is an article I wrote for skewel like, earlier this year. I kinda liked it even though I got a crappy mark for it.  

Kate Levitt is a professional dominatrix. Most people think of dominatrix’s as being sexy, tough, latex clad, bad bitches. Kate Levitt is no exception, although she wasn’t always as ruthless as she is today. It was only a couple of years ago when she was a simple city gal with a couple of slaves lurking around the house. No, the slave trade isn’t making an unfashionable comeback, slaves were people who Kate basically treated like dirt and they paid her for it. She juggled a few slaves in her corporate life, her favourite being a British cash pig who paid her rent in return for dirty emails. This was pretty basic stuff for Kate, she got kicks out of it but thought she could move up higher in the world, so she called Dee. Dee was the leather equivalent of a sequin covered Madame. She was the reigning Queen among the underground fetish sex clubs. Kate Levitt was permitted to observe Dee at her finer art, humiliating selfless males who are begging for it, literally. She observed sex acts which are too graphic and basically involve too much urine intake for this publication. Yet it was from this experience that Kate Levitt decided to become a professional dominatrix.

Kate Levitt experienced something that people have been learning since the dark ages. The easiest way to control people is via sex, particularly beings of the male specimen. People yearn for some release of all their inner emotions and energy and to be seen at their most vulnerable. They crave to engage in an explicit act that enables all of their inhibitions to let go. Women are avid users and abusers of this thinking. Women are sirens; they lure males near in order to get what they want, in return promising a glimmer of hope for some kind of sexual release. Honestly, apart from Madonna what do people want more than anything else in the world? Sex. A lot of people don’t even want to have sex, they just want to feed off the energy that many women give off. These kinds of people are the type that don’t last it through foreplay. Sex is the one power above all else that makes people so easy to control, for example look at political leaders. Adolf Hitler compared with Barack Obama. Only one of them is and will hopefully continue to be truly successful. People always vote for the better looking candidate. If there was to be sublimation of sex, it would be anarchy. Sexually transmitted disease rates would rise, the rate of prostitutes being murdered would rise, abortion rates would also rise, and the only thing not legally rising would be ‘flesh swords’ around the world.

It’s not just the act of sex, people feed off attractiveness, they feel like in some way that their attractiveness will transfer onto their ugly soul. It doesn’t work like that, it’s the equivalent if going to a Marc Jacobs show in order to raise your self-esteem. Although it may not work for Marc Jacobs it works for the playgroup. Typically the most popular girl at school is cute and pretty. She may not be giving it out like your neighbourhood hooker but she’s pretty darn hot. A study was done showing a pretty woman and a frumpy woman at an airport, both struggling with their luggage up the stairs. Any bets who was helped first? People actually gave the pretty woman twenty dollars because she simply asked. In a society this sick it’s almost impossible not to get caught up in it. If Brad Pitt came up to you at the same time as Danny DeVito asking for a ride, who would you let in your back seat? When sex almost isn’t even censored anymore, children are growing up believing that attractive people have more power in society. People feel the pressure to be beautiful, they feel as if they’ll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, good enough in general because of the values that society shoves upon them.

Human beings are irresistibly easy to control. People are always craving something or an alternative to someone. It’s just how people were built. As though they may seem like strong upheld creatures, humans are really sniveling wrecks. Kate Levitt could see this. She sees people at their most vulnerable, at their lowest most pathetic moments. She controls people for a living although in a much healthier way than a dictatorship. Humans crave acceptance. They dread being exorcized from friendship groups, being outcast from certain activities. During sex they feel uninhibited and alive. People will do anything to feel this way. Men are at the mercy of a high heeled, red lipstick plastered, sex kittens. Brigitte Bardot may not have been a better actress than Catherine Hepburn but she was definitely the bigger star.

Just like Kate Levitt, people react to sex. They feel empowered of overpowered, either way it is a feeling they long for. People are so easily controlled by their sexual desire they will disregard all self-dignity. Sex is the biggest common denominator for happiness in society and people will do anything to get it. They are victims of lust and the urge to fit into whatever society announces is the new sexual fad. Whichever way you look at it, be you a leather loving dominatrix, a 1980’s Club Kid or a sweet home Alabama housewife into BDSM. People crave acceptance and a way to release their sexual energy. Ultimately people are extremely easy to control through sex.

The three worst kinds of feelings in the world, apart from an STD

The most pathetic position in the world: the fetal position

Have you ever done anything really embarrassing? So embarrassing that you wanted to curl up in the fetal position in the corner with a paper bag over your head while your period seeps all over the floor while crying because all of your dignity is long gone anyway? Who hasn't been there? Honestly. Embarrassment is one of the worst kinds of feelings anyone could ever feel apart from physical torture or some form of STD.

I have taken it upon myself to list the three worst kinds of feelings which are as follows:

1. Text regret

The absolute worst. Its terrible. You send a really sexy text to a guy and it just ends up sounding creepy or you have syphilis. Drunk texts are kind of maybe more acceptable than sober embarrassing texts. My friend Alexia drunk texted this guy asking if he wanted to go ice skating as a date. She was shut down so badly. Those are the kinds of drunk texts that she sends. Perfect grammar, sort of rational and really lame and awkward for everyone involved. My drunk texts are so much worse. I turn into this blubbering, scared, horny mess that no one really wants to associate with.

"ohMy gosh. i feeL lik if i don't see you im goingto stop breAthing i actuallylove you so much and im sorrY for everyThing i wanT yuo so baddddddd."

"Okay."

2. Party dread

You know when you're getting ready to go out and you want to die? Its universally acknowledged that the best part of going out is getting ready. The parties normally suck butt and its such a waste of a good outfit. Its when you're driving there that blows. Enough about that cause I can't really think of anything else to write so heres a picture of a young Brad Pitt to distract you.

3. Public embarrassment

It so sucks when it happens to you but its so f*cking hilarious when it happens to someone else. So what if you're a bad person because you laugh at other peoples expenses? Its so worth it. We were at this party and there was a jumping castle. Cassie and I were talking to these two guys and they thought it would be hilarious to pick us up and throw us on the jumping castle. There were other people on there so basically it turned into a massive (partially) clothed orgy. My butt landed on Cassies face and she started laughing, like hysterically. She was lying on this other guy and she screams out,
"Oh my god! I spilt my drink!"

Whatever. We get up. She pulls me into the bathroom and swears me to secrecy. So naturally I tell all our friends and now, the internet.

She was laughing so hard when my cute butt landed on her that she had peed her pants. "Just a little bit." and then obvs peed onto the guy she was lying on. The only thing that I got out of that was that she had peed on someone before I had, even if it wasn't in a sexual way. #embarrassingforherlolz.

Chamomile Tea

I just realised that I still technically have a boyfriend. Boyfriend is such a strong word. So is murder #overrated. Boyfriends are so weird, I'm not just saying this because I'm so experienced #imnot, or because penises kind of gross me out #theydoimeantheyjusthangtherelikewhatthef*ckamimeanttodowithitohmygoddiditjusttwitch? 

Boyfriends are weird in the sense that they are so much better when you're not with them. Or maybe its just because I never really, truly liked Louis. You know? Its like what Woody Allen says in Annie Hall:

Doctor! My brother thinks he's a chicken!

Well, bring him in so I can have a look at him.

I would Doctor, but I need the eggs.

Or its something like that. I needed the eggs. The metaphorical relationship eggs. I'm over-analysing again. I just wanted to be in a relationship until something better came along. Does that make me a terrible person? Whatever.

Like, all the best conversations I've had with Louis are in my head, because in real life he says something so unbelievably stupid, like chamomile tea. No, not ca-momile like the 'a' sound in cat (the obvs correct way) but chhhhhh-amomile like the 'ch' in cheese. What the actual f*ck? Or something like "I have never fully read a book." Well there goes our super sexy conversation about today's relevance of Chuck Palanhuik. Good f*cking job, try getting me wet after that. 

Sure, I mean the sex aspect is alright with Louis, but I mean after a while, being with the same guy is so repetitive and you know exactly what he's gonna do. You know all his moves. I mean, we're not old and married, watching repeats of The OC (cause that will be our generations equivalent to Get Smart or Hogans Heroes) together. We're young and at our horniest. Cause you know, that right after he chokes you and then bites your neck that he's gonna pick you up and then throw you back against the bed #vanilla. Honestly, the sex was average, and according to Cass, cause its like a f*cking time warp in there, our sexing only lasts on average roughly twenty minutes #pooreffort.

I didn't even feel those nervous butterfly's anymore. That's when you know a relationship is over. Or when he kissed you softly or pulls your hair, chokes you and then slaps your ass, and you're thinking 

"Ugh, again?"

I don't even know whats happening. We could be together or we couldn't. We haven't spoken in a while and honestly I really don't care. I am so tempted to text him being like,

You are dropped. 

Just to be really dramatic and aloof. Also I've been watching too much Puberty Blues.

I think he's in Queensland right now, but I'm not really sure. And I don't really care. I have Woody Allen and Casey Affleck to obsess over.

He's so perfect I want to throw up

Oh god he's so perfect I want to throw up. He's so awkward and sexy. Oh my god. I just want to bite him. I make some awkward comment about how the box of tissues next to his bed is really seedy. He doesn't get it. Never mind. His Misfits poster is wonky next to his Iron Maiden poster. He says he's nervous. Why? I kinda love you.

 

I was named after Courtney Love, I say for the billionth time, hoping he'll think I'm cool. 

He thinks I'm cool.

We're sitting awkwardly on the couch. I feel like I'm in year seven. We're watching some bands video diary. I try and picture him masturbating. I can't, which is weird. I wonder what kind of porn he watches. We talk and laugh and I feel sad cause I can't tell if he likes me or not.

The film finishes and were bored. So bored.

What do you wanna do?

I dunno, what do you wanna do?

I dunno... f*ck me? Please. Come on, it wont be that bad. Please, I wont talk during. Please f*ck me.

He starts to play his guitar. Oh my god. I think I just came. No, I can't deal with this. I'm lying on his bed biting my bottom lip, half because I do it when I get turned on, and half because I think it makes me look smoulderingly sexy. I just made that word up. He makes weird sex faces when he plays and keeps on glancing at me to see if I'm interested. I am so interested. His eyes are a really nice brown. Brown to match his hair and our children's eyes.

We walk down to the beach and there are shops around. We link arms (!) because we're cold. I can tell he likes it, and the awkward physical contact stage is over. We laugh about how retarded Sid Vicious is and how elitist his school is. We go into a guitar shop and I make him buy some guitar picks cause he says he always loses them. It's so windy so we go into the supermarket for something to do. We look like we're about to steal something, so we leave. We walk down to the beach and he stands up on his toes to shield my hair from the wind #truelove.

We find a 'rape bush' and I rape him. I wish. We go inside the tree that has been molded into a mushroom shape by the wind and climb the tree, which is really difficult seeing as we're both in tight black jeans. We sit there for a bit and he bites a bit of the branch.

Ew. Its salty.

Must be all the semen from the numerous rapes that occur in here.

Gross. 

I love you.

I get stuck in the tree and he starts laughing at me. 

Shut up.

I'm sorry. Okay jump down and I'll catch you.

Are you sure you'll be able to support me?

Are you questioning my masculinity?

Maybe.

He gives me a piggy back ride and starts to run really fast. Its terrifying. 

Adam! Stop oh my god. 

I do up his shirt  to look like Britney Spears. 

You look so sexy.

Yeah but my snail trail is pathetic. 

No it's not, I like it.

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...

He gives me a tour of the 'hoodest part of his 'hood' There were just a couple of tags and maybe a crate tipped over in an alleyway. Clearly he's never been to Mulgrave before. 

He's jumping up and down and stretching. He's nervous again. 

I had fun today.

Really? I was really worried that this whole time you've been thinking its so boring. 

No, I really did have fun.

Is being tragically pathetic sexy?

Cassandra is one of my best friends and also, possibly one of the 'worst'. I mean that in the most loving way. By 'worst' I mean that we always do stupid shit when were together, like branding each other with a hot fork, or getting lifts from prostitutes (who were actually really nice). She wanted me to do a dedication post and because she's angry at me, I decided I would #grovelling.

According to other people, we 'drag each other down', and we know it, we admit it. Who cares? We have fun together, like, sometimes you just need a friend who agrees with you that meeting each other at McDonalds at 3am is a super good idea, and having sex with your first proper boyfriend after two weeks maybe isn't.

She was there when I lost my virginity #yaybrokenhymen, like, she wasn't in the room exactly but she almost walked in which I think was a nice bonding experience. She trekked out to The Grave with me when I wanted to visit my drug dealer (boyfriend), we spent an entire night out in St. Kilda sharing a cardigan between us, we were each others dates to formal because we're outspoken feminists #noboyswantedtogowithus. 

Our favourite past times are wallowing in our own self pity and completely submerge ourselves in self loathing. Who said pity parties aren't the best kind of party? Is being tragically pathetic sexy? We think so. We practice being aloof in order to lure boys to our sex caves. Her version of aloof kind of makes her look like a massive bitch though. 

Shes like, majorly obsessed with the 80's and all things that people forget about. Like, remember the two Cory's? Obsessed. Hanson? Obsessed. The Lost Boys? Majorly obsessed. Trashy B-grade movies? We both love them and no one can get why. I don't get it. Was Wild Things not a defining film of modern cinema? We think so.

Anyway. Get used to Cassie cause most of the stupid f*cking stories on here will feature her. Yay.

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...

She also accidentally wet her pants while sitting on a dude. Lolz.

Why Don't Boys Like Me?

Featuring the lovely Cassandra. Also the names have been changed apart from ours cause we kinda want pedophiles in our life #somethingtodo.  The boys names have been changed obvs cause otherwise they would think we were weird #weare.

Courtney, should we be lesbians?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, what else is there left for us?

Yeah, sometimes I cry alone in my room listening to Why Don't You Love Me.

Beyonce?

Obvs.

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...

I mean, I think I'm in love with him.

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him. You're like a f*cking Romeo, minus the DiCaprio.

I had a dream where I was f*cking him in a wheelchair. Does that not scream #truelove?

It screams I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Whatever. Should I message him?

I think that kinda sends out the "I've been thinking of you this entire time why aren't we friends did I mention I love you I made a shrine dedicated to you hey how are you?" signal.

So no?

No.

...

Why do the wrong boys always like me? Like why cant a nice boy who is cute, skinny, f*cked up and angsty just want to have aggressive sex with me already?

Did you check ebay?

Duh.

Well, then I have no advice.

Like, boys are nicer to me and I can become friends with them but they never want to kiss my face, and girls hate me because, I dunno, they think I'm weird or a bitch or gonna steal their boyfriend or have herpes.

Which you do.

Shut up.

So, lesbians?

Yeah.

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...

I think I might kill myself. There's this eighteenth party on later and literally like four guys that I've hooked up with are gonna be there. 

Wow. Try going to a party where a guy who you asked if he wanted to f*ck and then he turned you down and then hit on your friend, was there.

...

So, continue.

Well, I think I might fall in love with Ryan again.

Um... weren't we just talking about how you wanted to f*ck a disabled Xavier? 

No. He just happened to be disabled.

Oh. My mistake.

...

I really think we need to get you a boyfriend, that way you can stop obsessing over relationships that you've formed in your mind and obsess over a real one, with a penis.

Ew.

I know. I think I scare boys sometimes. 

Yeah, you scare me..

Hey

Um, did you just hang up on me?

No, my dad took the phone away from me.

Ugh I hate that.

Yeah. You know I wish I could leave my family. Forever.

You could live with me. But not in my room. I need my personal space. You could sleep on the veranda outside my room and watch me watch porn through the window.

Thanks.

Thats what Im here for.

If I was with Xavier-

Which youre not. 

Yeah but if I was, I would seriously move in with him

Yeah but what about the ugly morning face? Ew and morning breath? And your fringe would be curly. Ew.

No I wouldn't even care, I just want his company.

Thats the most poetic thing I've ever heard you say.

F*ck off.

I dont think I like Adam anymore.

Dude its been like what, a week?

At first his nerdy behavior was cute, and like, 'aw you have feelings', but now its f*cking annoying. Like grow up and be a man. God.

Boring.

Why arent boys perfect?

Like us?

Why dont boys like me?

I think we should become lesbian lovers.

I dont think you can just 'become' a lesbian.

Well, we can try.

Okay.

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Why don't boys like me?