More of My Boyfriends

This is like, the rest of my list of sexy, sexy boyfriends. They just love me so much and are such dreamboats, sometimes I don't even think it's real.

Boyfriend #6 - Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Joe is really sweet and sexy and we can totally relate on more than just a physical level you know? I mean, we both just love cannelloni. Like we just sit around all day eating cannelloni and having sex, like all the time. He is just a complete dream. He smells like coconut and desire. Sometimes he takes me to have rough, aggressive sex in his own apartment. How grown up is that? Right? Right?!

Boyfriend #7 - Ash Stymest

Ash and I are both so compatible. We're both super sexy and attractive and we're both models. Except for the fact that he actually is or whatevs. He always gets me front row at NYFW cause he knows that I make all the other models like, super jealous. He's actually already a father to a fucking skank of a bitch, but I know he'll leave me for her. Obvs.

Boyfriend #8 -  Marlon Brando

Marlon is just a dream guy. He's actually the sexiest person alive. We once did anal and he used butter as lube #safeandsavvy. Marlon's arms are honestly the second most attractive part of him. His voice is so sexy. Sometimes I just lie on his stomach and listen to him breathe while he gently rubs my tits #truelove.

Boyfriend #9 - Seth Cohen

Seth is really the dreamiest out of all my boyfriends. We can just sit there for hours playing strip-video games. He always smells like cinnamon and bagels and he is just so neurotic and awkward and sexy. He is like so smart and completely gets me, you know? Like, we are just so perfect together we finish each others sentences, 

"Did you see the new-"

"movie?"

"... no, the new Umbrella Academy comic."

"That is so what I was about to say!"

Boyfriend #10 - Leonardo DiCaprio

Leo is my one and only boyfriend (but not really). We're getting married soon. Y'all can come I guess, now that you know about it. He smells like sex, and not the sleazy type that just stinks like crusty cum, but really sexy sex. You know? No? Okay, He's so perfect. He picks me up in his helicopter from school and buys me Miu Miu and lingerie.

Why Don't Boys Like Me?

Featuring the lovely Cassandra. Also the names have been changed apart from ours cause we kinda want pedophiles in our life #somethingtodo.  The boys names have been changed obvs cause otherwise they would think we were weird #weare.

Courtney, should we be lesbians?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, what else is there left for us?

Yeah, sometimes I cry alone in my room listening to Why Don't You Love Me.

Beyonce?

Obvs.

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I mean, I think I'm in love with him.

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him. You're like a f*cking Romeo, minus the DiCaprio.

I had a dream where I was f*cking him in a wheelchair. Does that not scream #truelove?

It screams I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Whatever. Should I message him?

I think that kinda sends out the "I've been thinking of you this entire time why aren't we friends did I mention I love you I made a shrine dedicated to you hey how are you?" signal.

So no?

No.

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Why do the wrong boys always like me? Like why cant a nice boy who is cute, skinny, f*cked up and angsty just want to have aggressive sex with me already?

Did you check ebay?

Duh.

Well, then I have no advice.

Like, boys are nicer to me and I can become friends with them but they never want to kiss my face, and girls hate me because, I dunno, they think I'm weird or a bitch or gonna steal their boyfriend or have herpes.

Which you do.

Shut up.

So, lesbians?

Yeah.

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I think I might kill myself. There's this eighteenth party on later and literally like four guys that I've hooked up with are gonna be there. 

Wow. Try going to a party where a guy who you asked if he wanted to f*ck and then he turned you down and then hit on your friend, was there.

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So, continue.

Well, I think I might fall in love with Ryan again.

Um... weren't we just talking about how you wanted to f*ck a disabled Xavier? 

No. He just happened to be disabled.

Oh. My mistake.

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I really think we need to get you a boyfriend, that way you can stop obsessing over relationships that you've formed in your mind and obsess over a real one, with a penis.

Ew.

I know. I think I scare boys sometimes. 

Yeah, you scare me..

Hey

Um, did you just hang up on me?

No, my dad took the phone away from me.

Ugh I hate that.

Yeah. You know I wish I could leave my family. Forever.

You could live with me. But not in my room. I need my personal space. You could sleep on the veranda outside my room and watch me watch porn through the window.

Thanks.

Thats what Im here for.

If I was with Xavier-

Which youre not. 

Yeah but if I was, I would seriously move in with him

Yeah but what about the ugly morning face? Ew and morning breath? And your fringe would be curly. Ew.

No I wouldn't even care, I just want his company.

Thats the most poetic thing I've ever heard you say.

F*ck off.

I dont think I like Adam anymore.

Dude its been like what, a week?

At first his nerdy behavior was cute, and like, 'aw you have feelings', but now its f*cking annoying. Like grow up and be a man. God.

Boring.

Why arent boys perfect?

Like us?

Why dont boys like me?

I think we should become lesbian lovers.

I dont think you can just 'become' a lesbian.

Well, we can try.

Okay.

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Why don't boys like me?