We sound like a bad repeat of the Simple Life

I'm so hungover.

What the f*ck how can she be hungover? How does she have more of a social life than I do?

Oh my god, I'm so jealous, I had like, the worst night ever last night.

I hooked up with a Calvin Klein model... or he might have been a model for Bonds...

Her hot pink polyblend jumper is making me itch from over here.

Okay, theres like, a total difference between a Klein model and a generic Bonds model.

Well, either way, we were hooking up while he was carrying me and walking. It was so hot.

 

I can't stop staring at her crooked, wonky teeth. They're mesmerizing. Like I'm being hypnotized.

Huh? Oh... that's hot.

It was so hot.

We sound like a bad repeat of the Simple Life.

I went to a really crappy gathering last night.

Cool.

...

...

She's on her phone, so I go on my phone. No messages. I pretend to be doing something so I look important. One of the uncles who I once thought was hot comes up and shows a video of his daughter doing equestrian crap.

...cool.

She goes through his photos once he leaves.

Oh my god.

What?

Oh my god.

What the f*ck is it?

I can see her freckled face trying to disguise disgust.

F*ck, what the f*ck is it?

He has... she leans in closer... PORN on his phone.

She throws the phone away as if trying to rid herself of the unsanitary images.

Oh my god let me see!

...

... That's hot.

 

...

...

Let's go inside.

Okay.

I sit down with my brother and the other twelve year olds. My stepsister walks right past me, no hello. Bitch. Its so boring I would rather be at home looking at my vagina with a hand mirror #datenightreference. All the food is or has meat in it. Great time to be a vegetarian. Maybe this means I'll lose some weight? Pavlova. Gross. Do I have to eat it? It looks like cellulite without the flesh on top. Ew.