Sex and Intimacy

Have you noticed that whenever someone gets divorced, its always the woman leaving the man. I know that doesn't sound particularly true but hear me out. When a man leaves his wife, he's almost always leaving her for another woman. He hardly ever leaves her because he's just unhappy in the marriage, cause I mean come on, he can just cheat, right? Men cheat because they're unhappy in their current relationship but they don't want to leave their secure relationship and risk the possibility of being alone. Women are capable of being alone and men aren't. They are weak. But is is weak to want intimacy?

Its always men going to prostitutes for sex, or often for a GFE (Girlfriend Experience). I mean sure, there's an opening in the market for male prostitutes, but its honestly much less common. I don't want to be A SUPER FEMINIST because they annoy everyone. I'm not condemning men for wanting sex and intimacy, but by using prostitutes, they are just buying sex, intimacy doe not automatically come with sex. Intimacy is being there with someone, being able to sit with them for hours and not say anything and its a comfortable silence, just like what Uma Thurman describes in Pulp Fiction. I think that sex and intimacy is important, because isn't our entire society revolved around sex? Sex isn't whats important. 

John Green said, "how can our whole sentient lives revolve around something even slugs can do?" Its true. It reduces our entire existence to an awkward act that can sometimes take only a couple of minutes.

My dad just told me that my aunt and uncle are getting a divorce.

"Fionas leaving your uncle."

"But.. shes fat!"

"What?"

"...nothing."

Whatever.

Human beings are irresistibly easy to control

This is an article I wrote for skewel like, earlier this year. I kinda liked it even though I got a crappy mark for it.  

Kate Levitt is a professional dominatrix. Most people think of dominatrix’s as being sexy, tough, latex clad, bad bitches. Kate Levitt is no exception, although she wasn’t always as ruthless as she is today. It was only a couple of years ago when she was a simple city gal with a couple of slaves lurking around the house. No, the slave trade isn’t making an unfashionable comeback, slaves were people who Kate basically treated like dirt and they paid her for it. She juggled a few slaves in her corporate life, her favourite being a British cash pig who paid her rent in return for dirty emails. This was pretty basic stuff for Kate, she got kicks out of it but thought she could move up higher in the world, so she called Dee. Dee was the leather equivalent of a sequin covered Madame. She was the reigning Queen among the underground fetish sex clubs. Kate Levitt was permitted to observe Dee at her finer art, humiliating selfless males who are begging for it, literally. She observed sex acts which are too graphic and basically involve too much urine intake for this publication. Yet it was from this experience that Kate Levitt decided to become a professional dominatrix.

Kate Levitt experienced something that people have been learning since the dark ages. The easiest way to control people is via sex, particularly beings of the male specimen. People yearn for some release of all their inner emotions and energy and to be seen at their most vulnerable. They crave to engage in an explicit act that enables all of their inhibitions to let go. Women are avid users and abusers of this thinking. Women are sirens; they lure males near in order to get what they want, in return promising a glimmer of hope for some kind of sexual release. Honestly, apart from Madonna what do people want more than anything else in the world? Sex. A lot of people don’t even want to have sex, they just want to feed off the energy that many women give off. These kinds of people are the type that don’t last it through foreplay. Sex is the one power above all else that makes people so easy to control, for example look at political leaders. Adolf Hitler compared with Barack Obama. Only one of them is and will hopefully continue to be truly successful. People always vote for the better looking candidate. If there was to be sublimation of sex, it would be anarchy. Sexually transmitted disease rates would rise, the rate of prostitutes being murdered would rise, abortion rates would also rise, and the only thing not legally rising would be ‘flesh swords’ around the world.

It’s not just the act of sex, people feed off attractiveness, they feel like in some way that their attractiveness will transfer onto their ugly soul. It doesn’t work like that, it’s the equivalent if going to a Marc Jacobs show in order to raise your self-esteem. Although it may not work for Marc Jacobs it works for the playgroup. Typically the most popular girl at school is cute and pretty. She may not be giving it out like your neighbourhood hooker but she’s pretty darn hot. A study was done showing a pretty woman and a frumpy woman at an airport, both struggling with their luggage up the stairs. Any bets who was helped first? People actually gave the pretty woman twenty dollars because she simply asked. In a society this sick it’s almost impossible not to get caught up in it. If Brad Pitt came up to you at the same time as Danny DeVito asking for a ride, who would you let in your back seat? When sex almost isn’t even censored anymore, children are growing up believing that attractive people have more power in society. People feel the pressure to be beautiful, they feel as if they’ll never be skinny enough, pretty enough, good enough in general because of the values that society shoves upon them.

Human beings are irresistibly easy to control. People are always craving something or an alternative to someone. It’s just how people were built. As though they may seem like strong upheld creatures, humans are really sniveling wrecks. Kate Levitt could see this. She sees people at their most vulnerable, at their lowest most pathetic moments. She controls people for a living although in a much healthier way than a dictatorship. Humans crave acceptance. They dread being exorcized from friendship groups, being outcast from certain activities. During sex they feel uninhibited and alive. People will do anything to feel this way. Men are at the mercy of a high heeled, red lipstick plastered, sex kittens. Brigitte Bardot may not have been a better actress than Catherine Hepburn but she was definitely the bigger star.

Just like Kate Levitt, people react to sex. They feel empowered of overpowered, either way it is a feeling they long for. People are so easily controlled by their sexual desire they will disregard all self-dignity. Sex is the biggest common denominator for happiness in society and people will do anything to get it. They are victims of lust and the urge to fit into whatever society announces is the new sexual fad. Whichever way you look at it, be you a leather loving dominatrix, a 1980’s Club Kid or a sweet home Alabama housewife into BDSM. People crave acceptance and a way to release their sexual energy. Ultimately people are extremely easy to control through sex.

Chamomile Tea

I just realised that I still technically have a boyfriend. Boyfriend is such a strong word. So is murder #overrated. Boyfriends are so weird, I'm not just saying this because I'm so experienced #imnot, or because penises kind of gross me out #theydoimeantheyjusthangtherelikewhatthef*ckamimeanttodowithitohmygoddiditjusttwitch? 

Boyfriends are weird in the sense that they are so much better when you're not with them. Or maybe its just because I never really, truly liked Louis. You know? Its like what Woody Allen says in Annie Hall:

Doctor! My brother thinks he's a chicken!

Well, bring him in so I can have a look at him.

I would Doctor, but I need the eggs.

Or its something like that. I needed the eggs. The metaphorical relationship eggs. I'm over-analysing again. I just wanted to be in a relationship until something better came along. Does that make me a terrible person? Whatever.

Like, all the best conversations I've had with Louis are in my head, because in real life he says something so unbelievably stupid, like chamomile tea. No, not ca-momile like the 'a' sound in cat (the obvs correct way) but chhhhhh-amomile like the 'ch' in cheese. What the actual f*ck? Or something like "I have never fully read a book." Well there goes our super sexy conversation about today's relevance of Chuck Palanhuik. Good f*cking job, try getting me wet after that. 

Sure, I mean the sex aspect is alright with Louis, but I mean after a while, being with the same guy is so repetitive and you know exactly what he's gonna do. You know all his moves. I mean, we're not old and married, watching repeats of The OC (cause that will be our generations equivalent to Get Smart or Hogans Heroes) together. We're young and at our horniest. Cause you know, that right after he chokes you and then bites your neck that he's gonna pick you up and then throw you back against the bed #vanilla. Honestly, the sex was average, and according to Cass, cause its like a f*cking time warp in there, our sexing only lasts on average roughly twenty minutes #pooreffort.

I didn't even feel those nervous butterfly's anymore. That's when you know a relationship is over. Or when he kissed you softly or pulls your hair, chokes you and then slaps your ass, and you're thinking 

"Ugh, again?"

I don't even know whats happening. We could be together or we couldn't. We haven't spoken in a while and honestly I really don't care. I am so tempted to text him being like,

You are dropped. 

Just to be really dramatic and aloof. Also I've been watching too much Puberty Blues.

I think he's in Queensland right now, but I'm not really sure. And I don't really care. I have Woody Allen and Casey Affleck to obsess over.

He's so perfect I want to throw up

Oh god he's so perfect I want to throw up. He's so awkward and sexy. Oh my god. I just want to bite him. I make some awkward comment about how the box of tissues next to his bed is really seedy. He doesn't get it. Never mind. His Misfits poster is wonky next to his Iron Maiden poster. He says he's nervous. Why? I kinda love you.

 

I was named after Courtney Love, I say for the billionth time, hoping he'll think I'm cool. 

He thinks I'm cool.

We're sitting awkwardly on the couch. I feel like I'm in year seven. We're watching some bands video diary. I try and picture him masturbating. I can't, which is weird. I wonder what kind of porn he watches. We talk and laugh and I feel sad cause I can't tell if he likes me or not.

The film finishes and were bored. So bored.

What do you wanna do?

I dunno, what do you wanna do?

I dunno... f*ck me? Please. Come on, it wont be that bad. Please, I wont talk during. Please f*ck me.

He starts to play his guitar. Oh my god. I think I just came. No, I can't deal with this. I'm lying on his bed biting my bottom lip, half because I do it when I get turned on, and half because I think it makes me look smoulderingly sexy. I just made that word up. He makes weird sex faces when he plays and keeps on glancing at me to see if I'm interested. I am so interested. His eyes are a really nice brown. Brown to match his hair and our children's eyes.

We walk down to the beach and there are shops around. We link arms (!) because we're cold. I can tell he likes it, and the awkward physical contact stage is over. We laugh about how retarded Sid Vicious is and how elitist his school is. We go into a guitar shop and I make him buy some guitar picks cause he says he always loses them. It's so windy so we go into the supermarket for something to do. We look like we're about to steal something, so we leave. We walk down to the beach and he stands up on his toes to shield my hair from the wind #truelove.

We find a 'rape bush' and I rape him. I wish. We go inside the tree that has been molded into a mushroom shape by the wind and climb the tree, which is really difficult seeing as we're both in tight black jeans. We sit there for a bit and he bites a bit of the branch.

Ew. Its salty.

Must be all the semen from the numerous rapes that occur in here.

Gross. 

I love you.

I get stuck in the tree and he starts laughing at me. 

Shut up.

I'm sorry. Okay jump down and I'll catch you.

Are you sure you'll be able to support me?

Are you questioning my masculinity?

Maybe.

He gives me a piggy back ride and starts to run really fast. Its terrifying. 

Adam! Stop oh my god. 

I do up his shirt  to look like Britney Spears. 

You look so sexy.

Yeah but my snail trail is pathetic. 

No it's not, I like it.

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...

He gives me a tour of the 'hoodest part of his 'hood' There were just a couple of tags and maybe a crate tipped over in an alleyway. Clearly he's never been to Mulgrave before. 

He's jumping up and down and stretching. He's nervous again. 

I had fun today.

Really? I was really worried that this whole time you've been thinking its so boring. 

No, I really did have fun.

Is being tragically pathetic sexy?

Cassandra is one of my best friends and also, possibly one of the 'worst'. I mean that in the most loving way. By 'worst' I mean that we always do stupid shit when were together, like branding each other with a hot fork, or getting lifts from prostitutes (who were actually really nice). She wanted me to do a dedication post and because she's angry at me, I decided I would #grovelling.

According to other people, we 'drag each other down', and we know it, we admit it. Who cares? We have fun together, like, sometimes you just need a friend who agrees with you that meeting each other at McDonalds at 3am is a super good idea, and having sex with your first proper boyfriend after two weeks maybe isn't.

She was there when I lost my virginity #yaybrokenhymen, like, she wasn't in the room exactly but she almost walked in which I think was a nice bonding experience. She trekked out to The Grave with me when I wanted to visit my drug dealer (boyfriend), we spent an entire night out in St. Kilda sharing a cardigan between us, we were each others dates to formal because we're outspoken feminists #noboyswantedtogowithus. 

Our favourite past times are wallowing in our own self pity and completely submerge ourselves in self loathing. Who said pity parties aren't the best kind of party? Is being tragically pathetic sexy? We think so. We practice being aloof in order to lure boys to our sex caves. Her version of aloof kind of makes her look like a massive bitch though. 

Shes like, majorly obsessed with the 80's and all things that people forget about. Like, remember the two Cory's? Obsessed. Hanson? Obsessed. The Lost Boys? Majorly obsessed. Trashy B-grade movies? We both love them and no one can get why. I don't get it. Was Wild Things not a defining film of modern cinema? We think so.

Anyway. Get used to Cassie cause most of the stupid f*cking stories on here will feature her. Yay.

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She also accidentally wet her pants while sitting on a dude. Lolz.

Why Don't Boys Like Me?

Featuring the lovely Cassandra. Also the names have been changed apart from ours cause we kinda want pedophiles in our life #somethingtodo.  The boys names have been changed obvs cause otherwise they would think we were weird #weare.

Courtney, should we be lesbians?

Yeah, why not?

I mean, what else is there left for us?

Yeah, sometimes I cry alone in my room listening to Why Don't You Love Me.

Beyonce?

Obvs.

...

...

I mean, I think I'm in love with him.

You're not in love with him. You're in love with the idea of him. You're like a f*cking Romeo, minus the DiCaprio.

I had a dream where I was f*cking him in a wheelchair. Does that not scream #truelove?

It screams I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown.

Whatever. Should I message him?

I think that kinda sends out the "I've been thinking of you this entire time why aren't we friends did I mention I love you I made a shrine dedicated to you hey how are you?" signal.

So no?

No.

...

Why do the wrong boys always like me? Like why cant a nice boy who is cute, skinny, f*cked up and angsty just want to have aggressive sex with me already?

Did you check ebay?

Duh.

Well, then I have no advice.

Like, boys are nicer to me and I can become friends with them but they never want to kiss my face, and girls hate me because, I dunno, they think I'm weird or a bitch or gonna steal their boyfriend or have herpes.

Which you do.

Shut up.

So, lesbians?

Yeah.

...

...

I think I might kill myself. There's this eighteenth party on later and literally like four guys that I've hooked up with are gonna be there. 

Wow. Try going to a party where a guy who you asked if he wanted to f*ck and then he turned you down and then hit on your friend, was there.

...

So, continue.

Well, I think I might fall in love with Ryan again.

Um... weren't we just talking about how you wanted to f*ck a disabled Xavier? 

No. He just happened to be disabled.

Oh. My mistake.

...

I really think we need to get you a boyfriend, that way you can stop obsessing over relationships that you've formed in your mind and obsess over a real one, with a penis.

Ew.

I know. I think I scare boys sometimes. 

Yeah, you scare me..

Hey

Um, did you just hang up on me?

No, my dad took the phone away from me.

Ugh I hate that.

Yeah. You know I wish I could leave my family. Forever.

You could live with me. But not in my room. I need my personal space. You could sleep on the veranda outside my room and watch me watch porn through the window.

Thanks.

Thats what Im here for.

If I was with Xavier-

Which youre not. 

Yeah but if I was, I would seriously move in with him

Yeah but what about the ugly morning face? Ew and morning breath? And your fringe would be curly. Ew.

No I wouldn't even care, I just want his company.

Thats the most poetic thing I've ever heard you say.

F*ck off.

I dont think I like Adam anymore.

Dude its been like what, a week?

At first his nerdy behavior was cute, and like, 'aw you have feelings', but now its f*cking annoying. Like grow up and be a man. God.

Boring.

Why arent boys perfect?

Like us?

Why dont boys like me?

I think we should become lesbian lovers.

I dont think you can just 'become' a lesbian.

Well, we can try.

Okay.

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Why don't boys like me?

Could I maybe fuck you sometime?

You know whats so frustrating? When they guy you're completely in like with, is friend zoning you. My life is so hard. You're talking to him and you're really making a deep connection. You know, talking about whether you think members from certain bands are gay together, his bisexual tendencies. The small chit chat is fine for a bit, but after a while you just want him to hurry up and say "could I maybe f**k you sometime?"

He's so cute and were so compatible its almost sickening. Hes completely my type. Tall, skinny, fucked up, dark hair, confused. He even likes the same music as me! I mean, what are the chances that someone else would like the same generic angsty teen music that I do?

He keeps on calling me man. Don't call me man, man. Ugh I hate that.

I did a witchcraft spell on him. It clearly didn't work. I need a f*cking lock of his hair to make it work properly. I wonder where he lives. Maybe I should stalk his facebook and see where he often checks in and then, just like, go there all the time. I knew that faux Burberry trench would come in handy sometime.

There's also the possibility that he could be gay. I mean, just because he has a very stereotypical gay lisp, he was in Oklahoma the Musical, 'liked' Les Mis on facebook and I he was putting lip balm on his cracked lips at the party I met him at. But overall I just get that gay vibe, you know?

Anyway, so now I sent him a overtly sexual message. I put an 'xx' at the end. The amount of courage needed to do that was so surprising. Oh my god, he messaged back. He said the word 'fingered'. Is it too early for nudez?