As a Big Believer of Self-Loathing

 

Oh my god. Hating yourself is soooo 2010. Didn’t you hear? Yeah instead of self-loathing, self-ignorance is the new thing. What’s that? Oh god no. Self-acceptance? What the fuck. I’m sorry did you not hear? Ke$ha called, she has it, yeah it’s with her career, which are both non-existent. Jesus. Get with it you social retard. 

As a big believer of self-loathing, preach it sistah *raises roof with hands*, I’ve come to understand that basically no one likes who they are. I mean take a look at the fictional Hank Moody from Californication. He’s sexy, got a good career, I mean sure, he was convicted of statutory rape and lost the love of his wife, oops spoiler alert, don’t worry, he just has to do community service rather than jail time, but if there was ever a self-loather, Hank sure is one. But he’s got sex appeal! So that must mean that everyone who despises themselves is sexy right? Yay, self-esteem +1.

Let face it, self-loathing is the highest form is narcissism that there ever was. The only people who hate themselves are overthinking, neurotic, whiny little bitches. So I’ve come to the obvious conclusion that if you don’t get to know who you are, then how could you possibly hate them? It’s like being around that one person who you kind of know and say hi to once in a while, but if you were to have a conversation with, you would struggle to find something that you both have in common to awkwardly talk about. Just don’t acknowledge your own existence! Duh. 

I’m a big advocate of this technique. The key is to always distract yourself with things.

Music

This is a great technique in ignoring yourself. What is a better way to not only drown out other people but your own thoughts than the surprisingly distracting melodies of whatever new band is in right now? Just don’t listen to your ‘sad :(’ playlist. That just drags you down a deep and disturbingly dark hole that will swallow your soul and before you know it, you’ll be running the bath for you to dramatically slit your wrists in while wearing a white dress, just like in The Virgin Suicides.

Films

Watch Woody Allen movies because he can totally empathize with you. But if that doesn’t work, I always watch Clueless whenever I feel super sad.

People

Listening to other peoples neurosis is always super fun. Just sit there and if the conversation is really boring just think about how much you hate other people and how fucking stupid they are. But at least you won’t be thinking about yourself you self-absorbed wench!

Exercise

Who am I trying to kid? Just watch She’s the Man. Watching people play sport counts as exercise right?

Basically just don’t remember that you exist. That’s totally the happiest way to exist, by not existing. But I give really stupid advice. Do whatever you want. Just don’t complain to me about it. Don’t you think I have enough problems in my white, middle class, suburban life that I pointlessly create for myself? The problems I mean, I didn’t create my suburban life, I was born with a silver Ikea spoon in my mouth.